Support Conservatipedia

Left Handed People Go To Hell!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Well, I thought I'd share a little about other sinful acts. Being left handed is a sign of Satan and you're going to Hell. If you thought Ned Flanders was a good Christian, he wasn't because he was left handed. He will burn in Hell. His wife went to heaven though.

The only moral thing to do is what they did about 70-100 years ago. When children went to school, they'd tie the left hand behind their back and forced them to write with their right hand. This is the only moral way to save these people from Hell.

If you have a child that is left handed, you need to do this NOW!!! The longer you wait the harder it is to do. IF your child goes to the atheist public schools, the teachers will probably untie them in a desperate attempt to have them sent to Hell. The teacher will think you're crazy and report you to child protect services. Than that atheist government body will take your child away from them. So tie up their left hand in the privacy of your own home.

If you're an adult that is left handed, the only thing you can do is have your hand removed. It's too hard to get past your Satanic left handisms and you'll need to lose the hand. It's definitely worth it if you want to avoid Hell.


Damon said...

There used to be a stigma for being left handed back when we didn't have toilet paper and we were all wiping our asses with our hands. Most people used there off hand. It wasn't about being sinful it was about left hands are the shit hands for most people. You'll notice no one cares now because of toilet paper, not because of godlessness

Anonymous said...

Satire works best when it is subtle. Dial it back a few notches.

Anonymous said...

i was going to write something witty, then i realized it would be lost on the below average comprehension of the readers/writer of this blog.

Anonymous said...

I pray this is a joke.

Anonymous said...

I am left-handed and I will not even justify this blog with a comment because unfortunately your brain will not comprehend the truth. You have made a fool of yourselffirst and foremost by using a cartoon toexpress yourself which was probably drawn by a left handed person with creativity. The world contains approximately 700,000 people who are left handed. If you ever read the bible instead of watching "Family Guy" cartoons you may find that in the end times it says only about 744,000 people will enter heaven. I am assuming that is the left handed population including the ones who were forced against their will as a child with their left hand tied behind their their backs. I am thankful everyday that my parents did not force me to be right handed and steal my creativity away from me. I am smart, creative, and proud to be left handed and it sounds like your threatened by left handed people, but who could blame you when you post a blog like this. Ignorance is bliss!!

Steven Elias. said...

Well said,friend.But I'm not too sure about 744.000.going to heaven..regardless,this author is a freak who has no idea about the nature of my lord jesus And really ought to be looking carefully towards their OWN salvation.I'm left handed,christian and saved.

Steven Elias. said...

Publisher,you are a natural born freak.You seriously think our lord cares whether or not someone is left or right handed.Based on your (assumed)sources of reference,your thankfully a relic of an unpleasant,superstitious period of Christian history.Based on the unkind and ignorent statement that you've made,i would seriously study the likelihood of your own salvation.

Freddy Kenn said...

Why would God make ten percent of the world left handed and just send them to hell. What if we become a priest and devote our whole life to god. What if we ask for forgiveness and read the bible every night even if we finished reading it 10 times. What if we do exactly what God says no questions asked.
"There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus"
-Galatians 3:28
If you're to stupid to understand that because your brain just can't comprehend those words it's saying were equal. It's not saying everyone except for lefties it just says were all equal.

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven"
-Luke 6:37
Here, (again if you're to stupid) it says not to judge. It says if you judge then God will judge you...not in a good way either.

I don't know what kind of God you're believing in but it's certainly not the one that I believe in. I believe in a perfect God that doesn't judge on your physical traits but more of who YOU are. If God truly created everyone in his own image why would he make them evil right off the top. I can see us doing bad due to free will but to just have us be born and were evil doesn't make ny sence. It's not lefties that need to change it's you. You have to change
Just to clarify I'm right handed I just hate it when people like you judge these poor lefties. They go throught so much. They live in a right handed world and the last thing they need is for people like you to just walk up to them and say. "Oh, you're left handed? Cool. You're going to go to hell by the way."
I see the "Comment moderation has been enabled. All comments must be approved by the blog author." I don't know if you're going to approve this comment or not but I know you're reading this so I want you to know that you are worst then a leftie. Lefties at least obey God (not all of them but the Christians probably do) but you're not. You're saying because someone is left handed there going to hell